Hey All! My name is Diana Garcia, and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida, owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling.
Are you looking to rekindle your connection? Or maybe you want to take your relationship to the next level? If so, then this month’s Book Therapy pick is for you! It’s Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson.
This is one of my top relationship book picks for my couples, and I do think it’s one of the best relationship books. In the book, she has scripts to help guide you and your partner on having these conversations to connect and ultimately be a safeguard from all of life’s stressors.
If you are not sure what my Book Therapy Series is, it’s my series where I recommend and highlight one mental health/self-help book. I review the book and pick out three nuggets from the book, just in case you don’t have time to read the book. Full disclosure: I’m also hoping that you feel inspired to read some of these books.
If you prefer to read instead, scroll down for the blog on this month’s pick.
Watch the Video on one of the Best Relationship Books here:
Read the Blog on this Month’s Relationship Book here:
This month’s pick is Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson. Sue Johnson is the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, an evidence-based approach to couples therapy. This relationship book is one of my go-to picks for couples I work with, especially couples looking to reconnect or trying to figure out why they keep getting stuck. I even use some of these exercises in the book with couples in session. If you’re interested in exploring some of this work, you can also check out the Hold Me Tight Workshops that therapists typically facilitate.
Book Therapy: Hold Me Tight Book Summary
The book is broken down into three separate parts, as you can see below.
- Part 1: A New Light on Love: Pretty much is just a review of the history of research on Attachment Theory, a bit of couples therapy, and her story of working with couples.
- Part 2: Seven Transforming Conversations: Couples can start having conversations with each other. She goes through the seven conversations listed above and guides you through how to have the conversations. There are scripts and homework assignments, and examples in the book.
- Part 3: The Power of Hold Me Tight: discusses how these conversations and creating these emotional bonds can be beneficial. She also goes into precisely how this might be helpful for individuals or couples who struggle with trauma where one or both partners have experienced trauma. She also makes you think about what it would be like to create a society that had more of these types of relationships.
Now on to the insights from this relationship book. All of my highlights are from Part 1 because I thought it would be hard to pick out a conversation and try to guide you through having that. But I highly encourage you to dig into Part 2, which is the meat and potatoes of the book; this is where you can do the experiential work with your partner. Part 2 is why I think this is one of the best books on relationships.
Book Therapy: Hold Me Tight Insight 1
The people we love are hidden regulators. We all know that relationships in our lives are essential, not just the quantity but also the quality of these relationships. This is based on Attachment Theory and how we are biologically wired. She goes through a bit about why connections with others are so essential and references research studies that support how powerful it is to have secure relationships for our overall well-being.
If you’re in a secure and safe relationship, not only is that relationship healthy, which is excellent in itself, and it gives you tons of personal benefits. For instance, distress in your relationships can negatively impact your immune, hormonal systems, and heart health. It also means that individually, you feel safer to explore the world, face challenges, and handle setbacks because you have a secure base to come to.
She references a study in the book that demonstrates this. Women were connected to an MRI machine and at some point told that they might receive an electrical shock. Being informed of the news activated the stress part of their brains. Also, if they ultimately were part of the group that received the shock, they saw the activation of stress and pain parts of the brain.
Some women were able to hold hands with a partner. They found that just holding hands with their partner reduced how much the stress part of the brain was activated when hearing the news. And if they received the shock, they registered less pain in the brain. This just reinforces the importance of these secure connections in regulating our internal experiences, including even pain. They also found that the higher quality of relationships = less stress/pain in those moments.
Book Therapy: Hold Me Tight Insight 2
Insight 2 is a two-part pick. The first part is about Primal Panic. Going back to Attachment Theory for a second, one reason why social connections are so important to us is that over time being part of a group has kept us alive. Evolutionary speaking, we were cavemen that needed to be accepted and part of a social group to help ensure our survival. A lone caveman was a dead caveman.
This is one of the reasons that you are hardwired to connect. So then the fear that you might lose a loved one or that you might be disconnected from them for whatever reason triggers alarm bells to go off in your brain. A part of your brain called the amygdala is what’s starting to set off the alarm bells. May-day, May-day..we have a problem!
If you’re in a secure relationship, it’s just a minor blip when that gets activated. You’re able to regulate either on your own or with your partner and realize that the relationship is secure and your connection is not in danger. If your bond feels a little shaky, the fear can be too much and can trigger what neurologist Jaak Panksepp calls Primal Panic.
This can lead to engaging in two broad patterns: you either try to cling on to your partner or withdraw not to rock the boat and protect yourself. This all happens so quickly that you might not even realize it’s happened until you’ve already reacted to this Primal Panic. This can lead to sending signals to your partner based on one of the two patterns, but it’s typically a misfire.
Over time, if this continues and the relationship continues to feel shaky, it can lead to what she calls the Demon Dialogues. The Demon Dialogues are just common patterns of communication that couples get stuck in that ultimately don’t help them connect or resolve anything. They just get stuck because, at some point, they’re only engaging with surface emotions and not seeing what’s going on underneath the surface for both parties.
For instance, let’s say you’ve been feeling distant from your partner and lonely. Then your partner decides to go to happy hour after he’s been at work all day. This happy hour goes longer than expected, and it starts to trigger some Primal Panic. Remember, you too haven’t been jiving lately, so the fact that he’s out for longer than expected just got your amygdala all triggered. You then reach out to demand that he “COME HOME RIGHT NOW?!” You’ve reacted to your Primal Panic and maybe long for connection/soothing from your partner.
But you’ve sent a misfire. Your partner sees the message and interprets it as anger or nagging and does not see the need for connection underneath. This might lead your partner to come home to avoid getting into trouble with you. You don’t realize that the text message triggered his Primal Panic to kick in, and his response is to withdraw or detach to try to self-protect and protect the connection. This is one example of a Demon Dialogue taking over where this pattern of communicating (or not communicating) takes over.
In the book, she goes over three common Demon Dialogue patterns. There can be more nuisances in every relationship. One helpful tip is to start recognizing when you’re getting stuck in these Demon Dialogues.
Book Therapy: Hold Me Tight Insight 3
Insight 3 recognizes that the Seven Conversations aim to foster certain types of emotional responses. According to the research, she mentions that the key to lasting love is fostering these types of emotional reactions. She has a nifty acronym to help you remember the essential parts of promoting these responses.
- A: Accessibility – Is your partner accessible to you? Can you get your partner’s attention? Do you feel like you’re able to connect with your partner emotionally? Do you feel like you can share your deepest fears, longings, and emotions with your partner?
- R: Responsiveness – Can I rely on you to respond? When I reach for you, do I feel you’re going to be responsive to me? Do I believe that you understand my needs? Can you meet my needs? Can you reassure me when I need it in those critical moments?
- E: Engagement – Do I know that you will value me? Are we positively engaged with each other? Overall, do you feel comfortable being close and trusting your partner? Do you feel connected even when you guys are apart? Do you think your partner cares about your joy, worries, and values?
She has an A.R.E. questionnaire in the book to help you self-assess where you think you are in this area.
Book Therapy: Who Can Benefit from reading this Relationship Book?
This book is for you if you’re in a relationship and overall are cruising but maybe want to take your relationship to the next level. The concrete exercises are great to start deepening your connection with your partner. Or perhaps if you’re having some difficulties in your relationship, this is a great primer to begin exploring what’s keeping you stuck?
Even if your partner might not be 100% on board, I’d still recommend that you pick up the book and read it. I often recommend this relationship book to my individual clients so they start to have an understanding of their communication and connection via this lens. Also, if one partner starts to shift, it can positively impact the whole dynamic and shift the Demon Dialogues.
Alright, guys, I hope this relationship book is a helpful resource for you. Subscribe to my email newsletter to stay up to date on all my mental health content. Lastly, I hope you continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you.