Hey! My name is Diana Garcia, and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling. 

In this post, I be going through some common signs of low self-esteem in a relationship. Whether you think you or the person your in a relationship struggles with low self in the relationship, then this blog is for you. I’ll be reviewing some common signs that might signify that low self-esteem is a third wheel in your relationship. If you prefer to watch the video, you can watch below. If not, keep scrolling to read the blog.

Table of Contents

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Sign 1: You Don’t Trust Your Partner

One sign of low self-esteem in a relationship is that you don’t really trust your partner, which can look different or show up differently in your relationship. Maybe you don’t trust that they’re being faithful or loyal to you, or you don’t trust that they always tell you the truth, or that they want to be with you. This can cause you to feel jealous when your partner is at work, any event outside of the home, or on a work trip. Your constant feeling of insecurity may cause you to need constant reassurance from your partner, which over time might be difficult for the other person in the relationship.

Depending on the relationship, this can also look like some controlling behaviors. If there have been some past instances of infidelity, controlling behavior can look like a constant need to know where they’re at, needing them to check in with you all the time, and needing to check their phone or go through their social media. Telling your partner they can’t go somewhere or telling them they must be home at a certain time can be controlling behavior.

In any relationship, there are compromises, and there should be healthy communication about what each partner is doing, but controlling behavior is when one partner feels like they can’t do certain things without triggering the other partner. One partner may feel anxious, uncomfortable, or insecure, so they have a need to control the other’s behaviors to reduce the uncomfortable feelings. But this comes at the expense of the other partners needs.

When thinking of someone being insecure and controlling, it could also look like some concern about verbal or physical abuse. That’s kind of on a different lens, which I’m not referring to or talking as much about, but clearly, that can also show up in those kinds of instances as well. If you believe that your relationship is bordering on the lines of abuse, I encourage you to check out the National Domestic Violence Site for more resources.

Sign 2: You’re Afraid to Bring Up Concerns

You could also be afraid to bring up concerns to your partner. This could be because you don’t trust that your feelings or your perspectives are valid, or you think that your partner’s needs are more important than your own. Because of this you just don’t bring up things whether they are minor concerns or bigger concerns. You might also already struggle with some people-pleasing tendencies.

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Photo by Ahtziri Lagarde on Unsplash

It can also be related to being avoidant. If you don’t like conflict, you may tend to avoid it and sweep things under the rug. I’m not necessarily saying that everything needs to be brought up, ultimately, you get to decide which things to bring up. It’s helpful though to acknowledge if there’s a pattern of instances of wanting to bring things up that are bothering you, but you’re afraid because you just don’t want to rock the boat, so you’d rather figure it out and keep it in.

However, over time that could cause resentment, or you notice that you then have an argument about something that’s unrelated. All of a sudden, all these things are coming up because you’ve never dealt with them or expressed that you’re bothered with your partner leaving your partner completely clueless.

Sign 3: Fear of Abandonment

The next sign is this fear of abandonment. I just want to clarify that of course when you’re in a relationship, for the most part, it is normal to want the relationship to work out. When I think about the fear of abandonment, it is this intense fear that your partner is going to leave you and you’re going to end up being alone. That fear at times feels magnified or your mind will bring up that fear in instances where it may not even make sense with the situation that’s happening.

This fear of abandonment may show up in these different instances. Maybe you’ve had a minor disagreement and, all of a sudden, you’re afraid that your partner is going to leave you. Whereas your partner’s thinking we just had a disagreement, chill out, relationships have disagreements. They’re allowed to happen, but the fear of abandonment drives a lot of the things that you do. The fear of abandonment can also be related to this fear of conflict or this avoidance of conflict. Ultimately, you’re afraid that your partner is going to leave you if you truly express your thoughts and feelings.

If you buy into the belief that being alone is too unbearable or that you’re not secure enough to be alone, then you might be allowing low self-esteem in the relationship to control you. Clearly, most of us like to be in relationships because we like that interconnectedness. That’s a normal need for connection, but you also need to acknowledge that there are other ways of seeking connection outside of romantic relationships. Also, when this fear of being alone is the main reason you’re in the relationship, then that insecurity or that fear has taken over.

Sign 4: Overthink Situations

The next sign of low self-esteem in a relationship is that you tend to overthink situations. So, if you’re not feeling completely secure in the relationship because of your own insecurities, so you start to look at certain situations, overthink them, and tend to think of the worst-case scenario. Whereas you maybe share that with a friend and your friend says “No! that’s not what shows up for me!”

Again, I don’t really like to think that your friend’s perspective is wrong or yours is right. But, if you tend to notice that you look at a situation and your filter tends to be where you assume that something’s negative, your mind tends to automatically assume that it’s overthinking and in the worst-case scenario.

For example, your partner leaves to work and you sent them a message and they haven’t responded until two hours later. Your mind begins to think ‘Oh My God! Something is wrong!’ You think that they are still upset about something that was said a week ago, or they gave you a weird look and that’s why they haven’t responded, maybe even thinking of ending the relationship. Lo and behold!

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Finally, a response that states ‘Oh my gosh! I got stuck on this work thing and I couldn’t get to my phone because I was really overwhelmed, and it had nothing to do with you!’ However, in that moment your mind grabbed that situation that could have gone either way and cause you a lot of distress and anxiety.

Sign 5: Compare Yourself to Partner’s Exes

Another sign is that you tend to compare yourself to your partner’s past relationships. Whether that’s one major relationship or multiple relationships, you notice a desire to want to know more about your partner’s past relationships and get into the details. It’s normal to a certain degree when you’re meeting someone and getting to know them that they have a past and that history includes other people before you and vice versa. But if you tend to notice that you have a desire to really want to know more about your partner’s ex to know more about that individual or individuals and compare yourself.

Ironically, that comparison can go either way. If you have many insecurities, it could look like you compare yourself when you find yourself lacking. In whichever case and criteria, you’re comparing yourself to you may compare yourself to them and think you’re less than them. Or you compare yourself, and you try you put yourself on a pedestal. You feel much better, but you tend to notice a desire to focus obsessively on past relationships and want to know more or get more details to feel better about yourself.

Sign 6: You Present Completely Different

Another sign is that you present as or pretend to be someone you’re not. Of course, when you first meet someone it’s normal to want to put your best foot forward and present the best version of yourself. I’m talking about a little bit more of an extreme where you present to be someone that you’re not.

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Let’s say that the potential person you’re dating is very outdoorsy, but you’re not. So, you try to fake that you are saying something like “I go on hikes every weekend” or “Yeah, I go biking every other weekend.” However, those are things you don’t currently do nor do you even have a desire to do them. You pretty much just lied to appear more attractive to this individual. You don’t exaggerate slightly, but you get in the weeds with it. You take it to the extreme, and you continue to hold on to that facade the longer you stay with this person. Overtime, you might even completely change and mold your personality to be in this relationship.

Sign 7: You Are Hypersensitive to Feedback

You could be hypersensitive to any feedback from your partner. I’m going, to be honest, sometimes I don’t like what my partner gives me feedback, it can be hard for me to take it in. When I say hypersensitive, I mean that it’s hard for you to take any feedback that your partner gives you, even when they’re approaching it in the best way possible. Clearly, if your partner is being critical or harsh. It’s normal to get defensive, but even if they approach it in the best way possible or it’s not meant to be ngative feedback, you automatically take it as criticism and negativity.

You may feel like you’re being attacked and feel less. This belief that you’re being attacked could lead you to lash out, put a wall up, or completely shut down and withdrawn. Often when someone struggles with feelings of low self-esteem, you might notice getting sucked into consistent shame spirals. Shame is that painful feeling whenever you feel unworthy of love or belonging. Basically, when you have the thought “I’m not good enough because of…”.

Going back to when someone who struggles with low self-esteem in a relationship and your partner is trying to share honest feedback. You automatically get triggered and might even believe that your partner is saying “you’re a shitty person.” When in fact, your partner could just be saying “Hey hon, I really wish you would do X Y, and Z differently.” But you can’t really hear that because you get hooked by the feeling of shame.

Sign 8: Lose Yourself in the Relationship

Another sign of low self-esteem in a relationship is if you notice that you’ve completely let go of all the things that are important to you. It’s normal when you first meet someone, or you’re early in the relationship stages that of course, there are going to be accommodations. You’ll spend less time with other people because you’re spending more time with this individual.

However, what I’m talking about is to the extreme, you’ve consistently ghosted your friends, you’ve stopped dedicating time to the things that are important to, and believe that you need to do everything together. You’ve completely let go of everything in your life and focused everything on this relationship and vice versa and you have the expectation that your partner does the same. If they don’t, it bothers you. You might believe they’re not as committed to the relationship whereas they just want to continue to have some healthy level of independence.

Ideally, in a relationship there is a healthy level of interdependence where both individual feel they can go engage in their lives, sometimes with, sometimes without your partner, but there’s also a secure sense of being able to come back to or turn to the relationship. If there is a need to always be with your partner, it could indicate some codependency in the relationship.

Next Steps

As you’re reviewing these common signs, I don’t want you to shame yourself or make yourself feel like crap because that’s not helpful if you resonated with one or multiple signs. Just acknowledge what the signs are that you tend to do because that’s going to be a great starting point for you to start to change those behaviors. To be clear, changing these ways of engaging in relationships is doable.

If you’re engaging in some of these behaviors now, remember something’s happening underneath the surface for you that’s driving these behaviors. For example, being highly self-critical, having a history of trauma, or having relationship trauma can drive some of this insecurity. The good news, you always have an opportunity to do something different!

Check out these resources to start working on low self-esteem in a relationship:

And as always, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul.