Are you looking for a book with tons of resources to improve your relationship? Look no further than this month’s Book Therapy Pick: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By John Gottman, PH.D. and Nan Silver. He has compiled his research and has turned it into the seven relationship principles listed in this book. I’ll be reviewing three insights from the Gottman book to help you improve your relationship.
My name is Diana Garcia, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida, and owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling. If you’re new around here, my monthly Book Therapy series is where I pick one self-help/mental health book to highlight, summarize, and three nuggets from the book in case you don’t get around to reading it. Watch the video below or scroll down for the blog if you prefer to read the blog instead.
Watch the video on this Gottman Book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Read the blog on one of John Gottman’s Book – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
Like I said this month’s Book Therapy Pick: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By John Gottman, PH.D. and Nan Silver.
Dr. John Gottman is a well-known expert in couples therapy due to his extensive research into relationships and what makes them work. This book is based on all his research. He and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, have founded The Gottman Institute, which continues to engage in research on couples and families and provides so many resources. I’d encourage you to check it out at some point. They have also developed the Sound Relationship House Theory based on the book’s research and relationship principles. I routinely implement this model of couples therapy with my couples.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Summary:
As you can see from the summary, the book’s first part briefly explains his research, which was done in “The Love Lab.” They got couples to agree to go to an apartment for a weekend, and they videotaped these couples. They encouraged them to act as normal as possible, to pretend they were just having a routine weekend at home. And they would analyze their different interactions while also monitoring their heart rates. Through watching many different couples, he developed the different relationship principles listed here based on seeing what the couples with stable relationships were doing.
He then explains things couples need to avoid, essentially red flags to look out for in their relationships, such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Harsh Startups, etc. The bulk of this Gottman book is dedicated to reviewing the seven different relationship principles listed below. Each relationship principle has a chapter dedicated with questionnaires for you and your partner to assess whether this is a strength or an area of growth in your relationship. He then provides concrete activities or exercises that you can do to maintain or improve that particular relationship principle.
Insight 1: I Appreciate You Exercise
It’s an exercise to bolster relationship Principal Two: Nurturing Your Fondness and Admiration For Your Partner. This relationship principle is focused on increasing positive thoughts and feelings toward your partner. And one way you can do this is by starting to notice their positive traits and qualities. He talks about how over time, you can get into negative sentiment override with your partner, especially when things haven’t been going well in the relationship. This means that you tend to ignore the good traits of your partner and focus on the negative things that are going on.
When your negative sentiment overrides, even neutral things can be interpreted negatively because of the propensity to view from that lens. For example, if your partner says, “Hey, honey, did you forget to pay the bill?” in a curious tone. You automatically perceive it as criticism or that they are being negative towards you.
One way to start this shift in this dynamic is by practicing this exercise from the book. In the book, he has a list of traits/acts you can select from and acknowledge. I typically encourage my couples to do this by just being intentional about noticing three daily behaviors you feel thankful for and appreciative of—the more specific, the better.
For instance, maybe your partner pitched in with the kids that day by taking care of the complete bedtime routine since he noticed you were stressed out. Then pick a time at some point in the day, ideally, when it’s just you two having quality time, maybe right before going to bed, or you’re just chilling out on the couch and turning to your partner and sharing your three acts of appreciations for them. “I appreciate X, Y, and Z.”
It’s essential to make this a habit that you practice daily initially to shift your perspective and engagement towards them. I know this can be difficult if you’re going through a hard time with your partner or you guys are struggling with a lot of conflicts. But this is something you want to do to buffer some of the difficulties you’re having.
Insight 2: Two Types of Conflict
Okay, two relationship principles from the seven different principles are:
- Relationship Principle Five: Solving Your Solvable Problems.
- Relationship Principle Six, Overcoming Gridlock.
To implement these relationship principles, you must distinguish between these two types of conflicts.
Perpetual problems are ongoing issues that you probably started having early on and will probably have some version of this disagreement for the good portion, if not the rest of your relationship. Part of that reason is that these perpetual problems are typically related to core differences in personality styles, values, dreams, and just some concrete differences of opinions that make up who each of you are.
His research states that 69% of marital conflicts fall into this category. When I tell this to some of my couples, some of them have a sense of relief. They feel validated that these perpetual issues are typical and that healthy relationships have them as well. The crucial piece is to be able to have an ongoing dialogue versus getting stuck in gridlock.
Gottman references the “Masters of Relationships,” the couples with happy and stable marriages also had perpetual problems. They just found a way to discuss it and compromise throughout their relationship on these different issues. And the concessions might look different throughout various points of their lives and relationships. But they acknowledge that this is just something that will probably always be part of their lives.
The other type of conflict is solvable problems. They can cause a lot of pain. These issues have a more concrete solution if you and your partner can figure out how to get on the same page. These issues typically aren’t related to differences in personalities or values. You still could benefit from some tools to communicate over these solvable problems so they can get resolved.
Insight 3: Harsh Vs. Softened Startups
This insight is also about setting yourself up for success when trying to talk to your partner about a concern. It’s the difference between harsh versus softened startups and why this is important. In the Gottman book, he reports that “96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a 15-minute conversation.” So, in other words, the importance of practicing softened startups is they can predict whether the conversation will turn out well or not.
Harsh startups typically include criticism, content, and blame and might even have a different tone. In contrast, a softened startup is more intentional and can be kinder and gentler while expressing your complaint or concern with your partner, but in a way, they are likely to hear it. You can see the image below for some examples of the two types.
There’s a difference between the two; the approach is entirely different. Implementing a softened startup might be challenging when you’re upset. But engaging in a harsh startup makes you less likely to get the desired effect. Your partner is more likely to shut down or get defensive.
This tool is something both partners can practice whether you’re trying to discuss perpetual or solvable issues. Here are some general guidelines for Softened Startup:
- Complain but steer clear from blaming – A complaint is bringing up a concern and focusing on how you feel about a situation. But you’re not trying to blame your partner. See the examples again and see if you can spot the difference.
- Use I statements vs. You statements – An I statement encompasses the following formula: I feel ______ when XYZ happens. Ex: I feel hurt when our date nights get pushed back.
- Describe what is happening without judging – You’re goal is to bring up the situation and focus on describing the objective facts and steering clear of trying to add evaluations of your partner or any assumptions, particularly negative ones about your partner.
- Clearly state your positive need – Be clear about what you need in this situation. Don’t assume or expect your partner to just know.
- Be polite – This encompasses the next two. But basically, treat your partner with the basic respect and courtesy you treat others. Dr. Gottman mentions that we can get in the habit of being kinder and having more manners with the people outside our home.
- Be appreciative – Same as above. And also, notice what your partner is doing right.
- Don’t store things up – Don’t wait till you’ve had like five different instances where you’re fuming. That will make it harder to practice softened startup if you’ve been bottling things inside and are about to explode. Address issues when they happen.
I highly recommend this Gottman book because I think there are so many good exercises, stats, and questionnaires to help you work on your relationship. I always tell couples you don’t have to practice these relationship principles just because your relationship is in trouble; this is a way of not only leveling up your relationship but safeguarding it to last.
I will note that he talks a lot about how some men are more likely to struggle with certain relationship principles and women are more likely to struggle with others, based on his research. This can be off-putting for some people, but he does clarify that if these gender roles don’t apply in your relationship, apply how it’s relevant in your relationship.
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