When was the last time you found yourself comparing yourself to someone else? What was that experience like for you? Did it help you or hinder you?
For today’s blog , I’m going to talk about when comparison becomes a trap.
If you’re new around here, my name is Diana Garcia. I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, owner of a Private Practice in Florida called Nurturing Mind’s Counseling.
If you prefer to watch the video instead, scroll down below.
Watch the When Comparison is a Trap video here:
Read the When Comparison is a Trap blog here:
When I talk about comparison, I mean any instance when you judge or evaluate yourself against someone else.
And when I say someone else, that can be someone you know personally, more of an acquaintance, or someone on social media (a celebrity or an influencer). You can also compare yourself to an ideal version of yourself or past versions of yourself.
So it’s just when you evaluate who you are, what you’re doing or not doing to one of these actual or imagined versions. It’s common to associate comparison with being bad or negative automatically. You often hear, “you should never compare yourself to anyone else.”
I even noticed myself having this initial association when I was thinking about the content for this week. I had to think about it and realized that comparison isn’t always bad. The key is recognizing when comparison isn’t working for you. So how do you know the difference?
Step 1: Notice when you are comparing yourself.
Simply noticing when you’re having the thoughts that you’re less than or better than someone else. Sidenote: you can also compare yourself to others and find yourself more favorable. However, I find that most of my clients tend to do the opposite. They compare themselves and see themselves as lacking. So when you’re noticing the thoughts of, “oh, I’m better or worse than X, Y, and Z,” it’s clear that you’re already in comparison mode.
Step 2: Ask yourself, is it working for you?
So, for instance, if you compare yourself to someone on Instagram, and that in turn motivates you or encourages you in some way. It makes you think, “Wow, that’s something that I want.” It doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, and it influences you to move forward or change your behavior. These are all clues that comparison is working in your favor because it’s not hurting you in any way, shape, or form. It’s driving you forward in a healthy way.
On the other hand, let’s say you catch yourself comparing yourself, and it shifts how you feel about yourself and your thought process in an unhelpful way. You notice you start having thoughts like, “oh, they are so much better than me,” which then opens the doors of your mind to find all these reasons why you’re not good enough. This thought process then impacts your motivation and desire to make forward moves. In this scenario, the comparison trap has caught you, and you are stuck!
So to recap, the comparison trap is:
- You find yourself comparing yourself
- You judge yourself as less than or lacking somehow.
- It shifts how you think and feel about yourself at that moment.
- It influences you to stay stuck or move backward.
Here’s a meta example; when I was thinking about the concept for this video, I found myself getting into comparison mode. “Oh, I don’t have the slides, knowledge, the equipment, whatever. Maybe I should focus on something else.” I was comparing myself to other people’s content. And I found my content lacking and getting stuck and overthinking it. In this instance, the comparison wasn’t working for me. It was just keeping me stuck, stopping me from doing something that mattered to me.
If you do find yourself stuck like I was, then go to step three.
Step 3: Ask yourself, what are these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings telling me about what matters to me?
I tell clients all the time; it’s two sides of the same coin. Our pain points show us what is essential to us. In my example, my values would be to share knowledge and be helpful. If I can help someone, regardless of what shows up for me internally, then it’s worth it. Once I was clear on what mattered to me, I knew what a forward behavior looked like, i.e., recording this video despite my comparison trap getting triggered.
You can also use what you’re comparing yourself to as clues to something that might be missing in your life and which you want more of.
If you find yourself comparing yourself:
- To someone else’s vacation (which usually always looks and sounds fantastic), maybe it’s indicating that you want/need more breaks.
- To someone else being self-employed, maybe it’s telling you that you value or need more autonomy in your job.
- To someone else’s relationship, maybe that’s illuminating a concern in your relationship.
So again, you can use these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as a springboard to curiosity and consider what’s important to you. Then you can make a decision that’s going to move you towards that.
I also want to note that from an evolutionary perspective, it is normal to engage in comparison. It’s one of the reasons that we have survived. When we lived in tribes way back in the day, we had to make sure that we were accepted to stay in the tribe. Because if we were rejected, we were at risk of being kicked out and left alone to starve in the cold. That led us to constantly compare ourselves to others to ensure that we wouldn’t be thrown to the wolves. In essence, comparison is part of our evolutionary history and makeup.
Nowadays, it’s also so easy to engage in comparison because we’re constantly exposed and bombarded to all types of social media. Not only are we bombarded with it, but it’s also edited and glossed versions of people’s lives which makes it even more tempting for your mind to grab hold of. So when you get stuck in the comparison trap, keep these factors in mind, and use the questions above to help you get unstuck!
Next Steps:
- If you feel you could benefit from therapy, you’ll find more information on this page to help guide you.
- If you need extra resources and supportive coaching instead of therapy, feel free to explore my coaching business. I’m here to help!
Lastly, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like and means to you.