Hey All! My name is Diana Garcia and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida; owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling.
Are you curious about Brené Brown’s new book? If so, then jump into this month’s Book Therapy pick since this month’s selection is none other than Atlas of the Heart!
I’m a lover of books and a mental health therapist. I combined two of my passions and started a monthly Book Therapy Series. In this series, I recommend and review one self-help/mental health book to help you on your personal growth journey. I realize not everyone will read these books, so I hope to highlight at least 3 critical concepts in the videos.
I took a month off in December due to the holidays, but this month’s pick is worth a peek. Atlas of the Heart is all about giving you more language and vocabulary about human experiences. The more you can understand and explain your experiences, the more you can make meaning and connections in your life. Jump into this month’s video to see what three concepts I picked out.
If you prefer to read instead, scroll down for the blog on this month’s pick.
Watch the video on Brené Brown’s new book: “Book Therapy: Atlas of the Heart” here:
Read the blog on Brené Brown’s new book: “Book Therapy: Atlas of the Heart” here:
This month’s pick is Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown’s new 2021 book. This book was published at the end of November; it’s 336 pages. It’s also a lovely book in terms of just the illustration and photography throughout the book, making my stationary heart flutter!
Let’s jump into the actual summary of this book. She starts with an introduction where she explains her previous books and research. She wrote this book to define over 80 different emotions and experiences. She’s trying to give us all some language that we can use to make better sense of our experiences. If we don’t have the language to wrap around our experiences, it’s harder to understand what’s happening to us or the people we care about.
She then has 13 different chapters where she groups together similar experiences. For instance, she has a chapter of “Places We Go When We Compare” which reviews comparison, envy, jealousy. Or another chapter on “Places We Go When It’s Beyond Us” where she goes through wonder, confusion, and curiosity.
At the end of the book, she has her Theory For Cultivating Meaningful Connection. I didn’t touch upon that because there’s a ton of information in that chapter. And to make sense of it, I believe you’d have to read the book. I’m sure she’ll eventually release a book further diving into that theory.
This month’s insights are about three completely different experiences mentioned in the book. They don’t necessarily go hand in hand, like, the insights in the previous books. I highlighted these experiences because they resonated with me or appreciated how the experiences were presented.
Book Therapy: Atlas of the Heart: Key Insight 1
The first insight was all about disappointment. The definition of disappointment is unmet expectations; the more significant the expectation, the higher the disappointment. She then breaks it down into two distinct categories:
- Examined and Expressed Expectations
- Unexamined and Unexpressed Expectation aka Stealth Expectations
I think it’s common to feel disappointment. Still, sometimes we forget that we might feel disappointed in areas where some stealth expectations are at play. Meaning we’ve never actually expressed our expectations or reality checked our expectations. Maybe we have a picture of how things should turn out in our heads, but it’s not even feasible? Either because certain variables are outside our control or we never actually asked for what we needed from someone else.
For instance, let’s say you wanted the perfect holiday evening with your family. And you’ve done everything in your power to control it, and you have a clear picture in your head of how everyone in your family needs to act. Then when it actually comes to that night, other people don’t play their part, and you get disappointed.
A helpful question might be: What’s the movie in your head about an upcoming situation? And start to scan your expectations to see if they are realistic and within your control. Also, did you expect things from others in your family, but you never made a request? Or worse, maybe you just assume others should just know what you expect? Like thought, your partner would help with the cooking so you could focus on entertaining but never actually asked your partner?
The thing is, expressing expectations can be vulnerable because others might not agree or still disappoint you anyways. Hence, why sometimes it’s easier not to say what you want, but it’s a sure recipe for a stew of disappointment.
Then there are examined and expressed expectations. This is when we’ve made it clear to ourselves and others what we want. This can lead to disappointment when we request something from others, and they agree but still don’t end up showing up that way. This is when we need to hold others accountable and make repairs to sustain the connection. Clearly, dissatisfaction is correlated to the degree of importance of the expectation.
Another part of expressed expectations is when we tell others we want something, but it doesn’t work out. Let’s say you tell others you wanted a promotion and how excited you were about the possibility. Then you don’t get the promotion! Not only do you feel disappointed about the promotion, but maybe you feel shameful that you vulnerably told others about your desire.
She mentions how these moments can be an opportunity for meaningful connections with others. Whether you’re the one feeling disappointed or you’re on the receiving end of listening to others’ disappointment. I love how she points out that these difficult times, can actually be a path towards connection.
The last part I liked about disappointment is how some people rather live in disappointment than feel hopeful due to the risk of getting shot down. You know that glass-half-empty perspective, and I get it. Still, I wonder if this constant expectation that others or the world will disappoint you, working for you? She talks about finding a balance between feeling hopeful and reality-checking your expectations.
Book Therapy: Atlas of the Heart: Key Insight 2
Insight number two is getting into the nitty-gritty of belonging and what it means to truly belong.
I want to distinguish belonging versus fitting in. Belonging means showing up to the world authentically and being accepted as part of a group. On the other hand, fitting in is that you have to change and tailor who you are and present an inauthentic version of yourself to be accepted by a specific group.
Sometimes, it can be tempting to default to fitting in to feel part of the group because we are hardwired to connect. It’s a regular human need to want connection; it’s high up there after our basic needs to survive are met, i.e., shelter, food, water, and safety.
This reminds me of a recent podcast I listed with Steven C. Hayes on the Mentally Flexible Podcast. He mentioned that we receive belonging at birth as babies from our primary caretakers (mothers, fathers, etc.). Yet, we spend our whole life looking for belonging. It made me think just how vital this need to belong is to us all.
One crucial element of authentically showing up is that it feels highly vulnerable. It can feel scary to show up to the world as you are, because you still might get rejected, which is painful to think of. Yet, if you end up defaulting to fitting in to receive acceptance, it feels hollow because it’s not real.
That means that a significant part of being able to have the courage to show up genuinely, is having a sense of self-acceptance and self-love.
Book Therapy: Atlas of the Heart: Key Insight 3
The third insight from Brené Brown’s new book is further exploring calm.
She defines calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity. I wanted to highlight this one because many of the clients I work with struggle with anxiety, and it’s such a common issue.
In the book, she doesn’t expand on whether calm is a trait or a skill that can be practiced. My perspective is some individuals might be naturally calmer, and yet, you can intentionally build a practice in your life to cultivate calm. She highlights three behaviors to help increase calm in your life.
Behavior 1: Calm can be an intention. Anxiety is a highly contagious experience. I’m sure you’ve experienced an instance where someone else’s anxiety triggered your own. I recall an example of this happening to me at work. I spoke to a colleague about a situation that I wasn’t really that nervous about. The more I talked to this person, the more I noticed my anxiety increasing. Clearly, this person was anxious about the situation, and she was giving me all her anxiety about it. And I just took it all in. So the purpose here is that you have a choice to work on your anxiety rather than continue to allow your anxiety to impact others (and yourself).
Behavior 2: When you’re feeling anxious, do you match anxiety’s pace or slow things down? The practice becomes starting to notice when you’re experiencing anxiety and then being deliberate in those moments of how you’re going to respond. You can get carried away with the anxiety and match its pace, or you work on engaging in some exercises to help slow things down. Notably, any grounding or breathing exercises will help slow down your nervous system.
Behavior 3: One way to help you cultivate calm is to ask yourself: Do you have all the information before freaking out about a situation?Your mind can assess situations as threats, but sometimes you might not have all the information to know whether it’s a valid worry. So before you let your mind go wild (which can be prone to do), you can pause and consider if there’s more information you need to make an informed decision.
Who can benefit from reading Brené New’s Book: “Atlas of the Heart”?
Pretty much anyone who wants to better understand their emotions or shared experiences. If you don’t understand your emotional landscape, it can just feel overwhelming. Brené Brown’s new book does a great job of giving you language to help you connect with yourself and others.
Next Steps:
For some more resources, check out the following:
- If you are interested in more ways to incorporate concepts from this book and other Brené Brown books, check out this page.
- If you feel like you could benefit from individual therapy, you can find more information on this page to help guide you.
- If you need extra resources and supportive coaching instead of therapy, feel free to explore my coaching business. I’m here to help
I hope you continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you.
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