Hey All! My name is Diana Garcia and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida; owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling.
Boundaries is such a buzzword right now. I’m sure you keep hearing you need to set boundaries with so-and-so, or you need to be clear on your limits with XYZ.
That’s all gravy, but what if you struggle with boundaries? Or don’t even know what the heck a boundary is? Then, this month’s pick should be in your Amazon cart. This month’s pick is: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This book does a great job of providing simple to understand the language around boundaries and how to start doing the work to set them. This is a go to book for books about healthy boundaries.
If this is your first time around here, this is part of my monthly “Book Therapy” series, where I pick one self-help/mental health book to highlight and recommend. I also go over 3 insights from the book, so if you never decide to read it, you at least leave with some good information.
If you prefer to read instead, scroll down for the blog of this month’s pick. Especially helpful if you’re looking for books on healthy boundaries.
Watch the video on “Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” here:
Read the blog on “Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” here:
This month’s pick is the most current book I have picked so far; it was published in 2021. The author Nedra Glover Tawwab is actually super popular on Instagram. She’s made a name for herself for being a therapist who focuses exclusively on boundaries. So it just makes sense that she ultimately ended up writing a book about healthy boundaries.
Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself Summary
Let’s start off with a quick summary of the book. As you can see, it’s broken into two parts:
- Part One: the first part of the book is dedicated to a ton of education on what boundaries are, the cost of not having them, different types of limitations, and what boundary violations look like.
- Part Two: she goes through different areas of your life and how you can actually set healthy boundaries. She has sections dedicated to family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, work, technology, and social media boundaries.
Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself Key Insight 1
Insight number is breaking down the three different types of boundaries.
The first type is called porous boundaries. That’s when you have little to no boundaries or weak boundaries. They tend to be ineffective because you either don’t communicate them well or don’t follow through with it. If you think of the word porous, it is when things can seep through a barrier. Now imagine if you’re in a relationship with someone else; there’s no sense of healthy distance or connection to keep you safe. This means whatever this person is going through seeps into your life, or different areas seep into other areas. For instance, when work consistently bleeds into your personal life or vice versa. Some examples:
- People who constantly say yes
- People who consider themselves people pleasers
- People who struggle with codependency
- Relationships that are enmeshed
The second type of boundary is rigid boundaries, which is the extreme opposite. This would be when you tend to put thick walls around yourself. You set a limit, and you’re entirely unwavering, no matter what. Even if the situation or circumstance might call for you to be a little bit more flexible, you still don’t shift or budge. Typically someone with rigid boundaries tends to struggle to let people in; they struggle with being vulnerable with others or sharing their emotions. It feels safer to have these solid walls so they don’t get hurt. But it leads them to feel isolated, have superficial relationships, or keep others at a distance.
The third type is healthy boundaries, a more balanced approach. This when you’re aware of your internal/external resources in terms of capacity: time, money, physical, and emotional energy. When you’re engaging with people or different areas of your life, you keep your resources in mind to have a clear sense of what you can offer. You can then clearly community your limits based on this information. You don’t let the past influence your behavior when you’re setting boundaries, and you’re able to be flexible depending on the situation.
When you think of healthy boundaries, remind yourself that they’re put in place to make sure you’re feeling safe and that you’re taking care of yourself. There’s a self-assessment quiz at the end of one of the chapters to see which type of boundaries you tend to have. Throughout the book, she has exercises (written exercises and self-reflection) to help you further apply the concepts to your life.
Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself Key Insight 2
Insight number two is to expect that uncomfortable feelings could show up. This is a list of some emotions that can show when you’re setting boundaries.
- Guilt is the most common one. Even if you know deep down that you need to set a limit (probably long overdue), it doesn’t mean the feeling will go away.
- You might feel sad because you might have thoughts that you’re coming off as mean or harsh. Some people might even tell you you are being harsh when you’re setting limits with them. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but the feeling might still show up.
- You could feel that you’re betraying that person or that area of your life.
- Remorse can show up when you move forward with setting a boundary. You might regret it, doubt it, or pick apart all the little details about what you said and how you could have done it better. It’s important to remember there’s no such thing as perfection.
Book Therapy: Book 5: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself Key Insight 3
The third insight is about learning the various types of boundaries.
- Physical boundaries: this has to do with your physical space/your personal space around your body. This is when you get clear on what feels comfortable for you regarding your body regarding any physical contact/touch. Think about your typical greeting style. Are you comfortable with a hug, handshake, or kiss on the cheek?
- Sexual boundaries: anything related to sexual contact or sexual intimacy. You need to know what’s okay for you sexually or not in any interaction and that consent has been clearly communicated when engaging in any type of sexual relationship. This can also be related to any sexual jokes or innuendos that feel uncomfortable.
- Intellectual boundaries: related to your thoughts or ideas and whether or not you feel that you can openly express your beliefs. A boundary violation in this arena would look like getting belittled, shot down, or even yelled at for expressing your thoughts. Another example that she highlights in the is when adults share information with children that is inappropriate to know based on their age.
- Emotional boundaries: are associated with the realm of your feelings and if you feel able to openly express your emotions. If you think you get invalidated or shut down when you express your feelings, then it’s a clear indication that you might need to look at this area. Other examples of violations include:
- People who tend to overshare too quickly. You just met a couple hours ago, and all of a sudden, you know all about their deep secrets. Typically it’s because they want to hotwire connection, but the trust hasn’t been built yet to backup this sharing.
- Someone who constantly tends to emotionally dump on you. They call you, and before you know it, you’re knee-deep in all their issues and feeling overwhelmed.
- Material Boundaries: concerning your possessions, including your money. So this boundary would be relevant when you consider lending money, and they either don’t pay you back or much later than expected. Or with items, they lose them or damage them.
- Time Boundaries: the way you manage your time. Do you have time for the things that are important to you? Or do you find yourself constantly adding more to your full plate at your own expense or spending time on things that you’d rather not dedicate to? If you don’t feel that you have a general sense of control of your time and how to allocate it, it might be a sign that you’re out of alignment with this boundary.
Who can benefit from reading “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself”?
I think that anyone who identifies with having porous boundaries could significantly benefit from this book. In general, if you want a book on healthy boundaries, this book will be beneficial. Mainly since there are examples, exercises, and specific how-to’s that are essential.
All right, I encourage you to subscribe to my email newsletter to stay up to date on all the latest content. Lastly, I hope you continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you.
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