Hey All! My name is Diana Garcia, and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida, owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling. If you’re ready to learn to put your needs first, watch the video or scroll down to the read blog where I’ll go through 6 tips to help you learn how to stop being so nice.
Watch the Video on “How To Stop Being So Nice: 6 Tips To Help”:
Read the Blog on “How To Stop Being So Nice: 6 Tips To Help”:
If you’re not sure whether you’re a people pleaser, check out this blog where I go through some signs that you might be a people pleaser.
Tip 1 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Boundaries will be your new best friend.
So you might have heard of boundaries because I feel like boundaries is a buzzword now. A simple definition of boundaries is just what’s okay and what’s not okay regarding your relationships with other people or even other entities, like your relationship with work. Get clear on what you need to put in place to ensure that you’re okay and keeping yourself safe.
So when you’re thinking about boundaries, you can think about limits with romantic partners, friends, family, peers, and bosses. For instance, if you think of work, a boundary is if your work shift ends at 5:30 pm, you will not be checking and responding to emails. Especially if it’s not part of your job description. That’s the boundary you need to put in place to ensure you’re taking care of yourself. So when you come home, you’re not overwhelmed because you feel responsible for constantly checking your work emails and responding.
When thinking about boundaries and how to set boundaries, I’d encourage you to check out this book, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. You can learn more about the book here where I reviewed it. The book is an excellent primer on setting boundaries; it goes through all types of limits and scenarios.
When thinking about setting a boundary, start small. Consider the areas in your life where it might seem easier to set a limit and slowly begin building more momentum. Think about what you will do to ensure that that boundary is maintained as much as possible?
You can’t control what someone else does, but for instance, if you’re trying to set a boundary with a family member who tends to criticize you. A limit can look like “When I hear criticism; I’m going to change the subject. I will tell you that I don’t want to engage in that. If that continues, I’m to end this conversation, and we can try to talk another time.” If you state that boundary, you need to be willing to follow through with your part to ensure that you’re holding up your end of the bargain.
To be clear, setting limits is not about stating an ultimatum per se or trying to punish someone because that’s not the point. The point is to make sure that you’re okay and that you can assertively deliver a boundary without being aggressive or cruel.
Tip 2 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Remembering your needs are valid
A common thought pattern is this belief that “other people’s needs trump my own needs.” For some reason, other people’s needs are viewed as more important than their own and are consistently given priority over their own needs. Your needs are just as valid as everyone else’s in your life.
A quick caveat here is if you’re responsible for the care of minors, children, or someone who’s disabled or can’t take care of their needs, make sure that their safety and basic needs are met. I probably don’t even need to clarify because I find that people-pleasures tend to be the extreme opposite here; they tend to focus on everyone’s needs at their own expense exclusively. And beyond, just making sure that everyone else’s basic needs are met but going above and beyond while ignoring their own needs.
It’s helpful to remember that you can’t keep pouring from an empty vessel. If you never prioritize/replenish your needs, you will run out of steam and potentially burn out.
It’s okay that this thought pattern shows up, but you can learn to acknowledge it and recognize when it shows up. But you don’t have to listen to it; it doesn’t have to dictate your behavior.
Tip 3 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Noticing and naming the patterns that influence your people-pleasing behaviors
Consider what the common thoughts that show up that tend to affect you to be too nice are are?
Whether that’s:
- Other people’s needs are more important
- You are responsible for other people’s feelings/needs
- You always have to be kind, no matter what
- You can’t handle the discomfort of setting a boundary
- You can’t say no.
Noticing how when these thoughts show up, you tend to blindly listen to them as if there were commandants that you have to follow.
In that same token, noticing what feelings tend to show up that either prevent you from moving forward or feels so overwhelming? Some common feelings:
Sometimes, the feeling of shame – the uncomfortable feeling of being unworthy or not feeling good enough – can be driving a lot of these people-pleasing behaviors. You need to be liked and seek external validation from others which lends itself to putting others’ needs before your own. Or you find it highly uncomfortable to imagine other people being upset with you, so you do everything in your power to prevent that.
It’s also helpful to notice and name any physical sensations when considering not following all these people-pleasing rules your mind has made. Once you start to understand what drives these people-pleasing behavior, you can get a better handle on them.
Tip 4 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Identify what change looks like
You need to get clear on what you want to be different in your life and what that looks like in your daily life. For instance, does that look like learning to stay no, cutting back on things in your life, or asking your mother to help pick up the kids from school two days a week?
It’s hard to strive for change if you’re unsure what that looks like. If you’re unsure, think about someone you admire in your life that you know “Man, they’re just so good at being assertive or putting their needs first.” What do they do? What do you see that you wish that you could do?
Once you’ve pinpointed those behaviors, start small and make a plan of action. Instead of focusing on these massive grand changes that feel too overwhelming, scale it back and think about what would be step 1 to get to that significant change. And then plan out how you can implement this small change. The hope is that you can continue building on these small changes and keep going. It doesn’t mean you won’t have setbacks, but it might feel more manageable if you can focus on the more minor tangible changes.
Tip 5 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Expect that You’re Going to Be Uncomfortable
I’m going to be honest with you, making these changes will be challenging at times. Sometimes I think there’s this misconception that change is so easy, and it shouldn’t be tough. I believe it sets you up for unrealistic expectations. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it or it’s not doable, but it’s really starting to shift your expectations here. Changing some of these ingrained patterns will feel uncomfortable because you’re stretching outside of your comfort zone. And that stretching feels tense and comes with its own pains.
For example, if you set a brand new limit with someone in your life and suddenly start to feel guilty, you might question whether you’re making the right decision because of the guilt. This might cause you to back peddle rather than recognizing that even if you know setting a limit is in line with your values; it still could generate feelings of guilt, and know that’s a normal part of the process, you don’t get spooked by that feeling and back peddle.
Having a clear sense of why you’re making changes can help you stay on the path when doing the heaving lifting of making changes. What value is important to you here? Is it a value of self-care? Self-love? When you’re clear on your values, it can propel you forward. I start to feel self-conscious and anxious when I’m recording these videos. And sometimes, I want to give in to those feelings, and I remind myself of my values of growth and authenticity, so I move forward with showing up to these videos as authentic as possible.
Tip 6 on How To Stop Being So Nice: Practice Self-Compassion
I’d encourage you to check out this blog where I reviewed Dr. Kristen Neff’s book on self-compassion. She’s of the prominent researchers on self-compassion, so I highly recommend her book. A quick overview of self-compassion includes encompassing three components.
- Self-kindness: how do you talk to yourself in those moments of difficulty?
- Mindfulness: are you aware when you’re in these moments of pain? Can you identify what internal experiences (thoughts, feelings, memories, physical sensations) are present in those moments?
- Common Human: acknowledging that when you’re in pain, it’s actually a moment of connection with others, not a moment of disconnection.
One crucial piece of learning how to stop being too nice is acknowledging that you’re going to make mistakes, get it wrong, regress, and that’s all ok and part of the process. When that happens, you can turn to self-compassion practices to help you lean into the complex experiences and not get stuck in beating yourself up internally. Even if you do “everything right,” others might not like what you’re doing because you’re learning to prioritize your needs versus their needs. They might even try to push back against these changes. When you’re prepared with some self-compassion skills to help you navigate those difficult moments, it can buffer those difficulties.
One practice is using self-compassionate breaks. Check this blog where I guide you through a self-compassionate break. It’s noticing that you’re in pain, reminding you that this moment of pain brings you closer to humankind. And providing the type of support you need, what compassionate words do you need to extend to yourself?
Next Steps:
- Scroll back up and click on any blog referenced as the next resource.
- If you feel like you could benefit from individual therapy for people pleasing, check out this page to learn more.
- If you need extra resources and supportive coaching instead of therapy, feel free to explore my coaching business. I’m here to help!
And as always, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you.