Understanding Negative Self-Talk: How It Affects You and How To Overcome It
Have you ever found yourself caught in a cycle of self-criticism and negative thoughts? You’re not alone. Negative self-talk is a common phenomenon that affects people of all ages and backgrounds. It’s that pesky internal dialogue that tells you that you’re not good enough, smart enough, deserving of success, etc.
Table of Contents
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Negative self-talk refers to your habitual negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. It can look slightly different for everyone but can look like self-doubt, self-blame, and self-deprecation. Over time, common themes can appear for you, which can be based on past experiences, childhood wounds, perfectionist tendencies, or external societal pressure to meet certain expectations. I have found that this inner critic tends to comment on the things are truly matter to you and, even more so, why it can hurt so much.
It’s important to note that sometimes negative self-talk serves a purpose, whether to protect you, make sense of an experience, or encourage you to change. And honestly, maybe sometimes it’s actually been helpful. I know that sounds so counter-initiative. In my experience, though, if you have difficulty managing your negative self-talk, it usually can cause more harm than good.
The Impact of Negative Self-Talk
As I mentioned above, most have a hard time dealing with negative self-talk in a way where it could actually produce any helpful outcomes. The typical impacts of negative self-talk extend far beyond mere words. It can significantly impact your mental and emotional well-being.
When you constantly belittle yourself internally and struggle to recognize those negative thoughts for what they are, it impacts how you treat yourself, you have little to no self-acceptance or self-compassion, and your self-esteem and self-confidence suffer. Negative self-talk is a common component of many mental health disorders. If you don’t know how to deal with these thoughts, it can contribute to these disorders, including anxiety , depression, trauma, to name a few.
This can negatively impact how you show up to your life, whether you feel brave enough to pursue a specific career, dedicate the resources to self-care, or how you feel about yourself in relation to others. You might begin to doubt your abilities, leading to increased anxiety and a diminished sense of worth. If you believe all these persistent negative thoughts about yourself, this can also adversely impact your relationships. You might tend to settle in relationships, struggle to set limits or forget about your own needs in relationships.
Identifying Negative Self-Talk Patterns
The first step towards breaking free from negative self-talk is recognizing when these thoughts are showing up and some common themes around what tends to activate them. Consider the following questions as you reflect on your inner dialogue:
- What are the recurring negative thoughts you find yourself having?
- Are there specific triggers or situations that amplify these thoughts?
By identifying the common themes and triggers, you can start unraveling the tangled web of negative self-talk.
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
Now that you’ve recognized some of your negative self-talk patterns, it’s time to apply some new ways of responding to them to remove their power over your life. Here are some strategies to help you:
1. Practice Acceptance: Acknowledge how common this is for you and for all human beings to have negative self-talk. I know, the media and popular culture, would have you believe that most people are just happy-go-lucky individuals and that you should always focus on feeling happy. The truth is that’s not how we are wired, nor is that a realistic expectation for yourself. Instead, lean into some acceptance that it’s normal to have these thoughts, and drop the judgment that you shouldn’t have these thoughts.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Just because it’s very common to have this experience doesn’t mean it’s any less painful. Give yourself much-needed kindness and understanding. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes, you don’t need to be perfect, and you’re allowed to have flaws there’s always room for growth.
3. Focus on Feeling Better versus Feeling Better: Let go of the need to avoid or control uncomfortable feelings and instead focus on practicing skills that will increase your ability to feel all the range of feelings. One reason negative self-talk can become so difficult is that it triggers a range of uncomfortable feelings, including shame, sadness, despair, hopelessness, frustration, etc. If you can implement certain skills to help you move through these emotional experiences, then you’re removing a big hold that the inner critic has in your life.
4. Change Your Relationship With Thoughts: This might feel like common sense, but the truth is it’s easy to forget that you don’t have to treat everything your mind generates as commandment that you must be followed. Consider how many thoughts you have in your mind that don’t cause a reaction. One way to start to handle thoughts that tend to be more emotionally charged, is to start practicing viewing all thoughts as just suggestions from your mind that you put in the suggestion box. Then intentionally deciding whether you want to listen or heed any particular thought.
5. Seek Support From Your People: Remember, you don’t have to face negative self-talk alone. Reach out to supportive friends, family members, or trusted individuals who can provide a fresh perspective, a warm hug, or just lend an ear. It’s helpful to have different people that you can turn to because the truth is not everyone will always be available for you or have the mental energy to hold space all the time, and that’s okay.
6. Prioritize Self-Care: I know this one sounds cliche, but the truth is it’s helpful to identify what are the small but consistent behaviors that tend to maintain your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, connection, and rejuvenation. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for your overall well-being.
Next Steps
Negative self-talk can have a powerful hold on your life, shaping your self-perception and influencing your actions. However, by understanding its effects and implementing strategies to overcome it, you can learn how to change the type of relationship you have with these thoughts. By implementing some of the strategies mentioned above, you’re off to a good start. Remember, you deserve kindness and self-love as much as anyone else.
For some additional resources:
- If you want a book with more concrete tools that are easy to apply, order my book Negative Thoughts Happen.
- If you believe you could benefit from some individual therapy, you can find more information on this page.
- If you need extra resources and supportive coaching instead of therapy, feel free to explore my coaching business. I’m here to help!
As always, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you guys!