7 Tips for Anxiety and Dating

Anxiety-and-dating
Anxiety-and-dating

If the thought of dating freaks you out, no worries! You’re not alone. Today we will go through some common tips to help you as you navigate the dating process.

Table of Contents

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Tip 1: What Part of the Dating Process Triggers Your Anxiety

Do you tend to get anxious more when you’re just thinking of hopping back into the dating pool? Whether that is getting on online dating apps, going back out to social events to start meeting people or even asking your friends if they know someone. Does just the thought of getting back into the process elevate your anxiety, or is it when you’re already in the process of being on the apps? Or when you’re trying out these different areas to go to different meetups, that’s when you get nervous.

Maybe you’ve connected with someone via the app, and you’re thinking of going on a first date. Or, you’ve already had one contact, but you’re continuing the dating process, and the process of still being in the early stages freaks you out. Whether that’s thinking about right before a date, during a date, or right after a date.

Identify if that’s when you get nervous or if it’s when you’ve already gone through those initial dating stages and you’re not sure if you’re committed or not. Either way, it helps to understand which part of the dating process causes you the most anxiety. It might be one, multiple, or all of the above. That’s okay, but understand which part is the most stressful for you.

Tip 2: Understanding the Core Fear

Tip number two is to identify the core of fear, regardless of when the anxiety starts up. Now that you’ve identified which part of the dating process is stressful for you and causes the most anxiety, I want you to dive a little bit deeper and understand what the core fear is here. For example, is it more of this fear of rejection and that experience? Is it the fear of stumbling and doing something wrong and being perceived as incompetent, weird, or awkward? Is it difficult for you that you guys will hit it off, then you’ll get too attached too quickly?

Whatever the fear, it’s important for you to start understanding the core fear here. Depending on the stage, if you get anxiety through different parts of the dating process, understand if the fear starts to change. It might change how you handle it, so understand your core fear.

Tip 3: Problem Solve Backwards Based on Fear

Now that you’ve identified which stage of the dating process is stressful for you and what you’re really scared of, then you can start to problem-solve. You start to make it a little bit easier for yourself if you can. For instance, if you recognize that you know meeting someone in a certain setting is way too stressful, and you’re not into the bar scene or the club scene, then suggest somewhere else to meet. Suggest meeting at a coffee place, dinner, lunch, or brunch. You can shift and decide what’s easier for you.

If you realize that you’re more concerned about coming off a certain way or not knowing what to say on the date, do some general planning. Think about some topics that you can have beforehand. What’s key in this step of problem-solving is not overthinking it. So, do some helpful planning, but don’t start spiraling into worry about it. Acknowledge that at some point, you’ve planned enough, and that’s just going to have to be what it is.

If you’re more concerned about this weird stage where you’re saying goodbye, and not sure how to exchange information, think about other ways to bring it up. Do you want to wait for them to bring it up? Are you comfortable texting after the fact? Or are you more concerned about when it starts to get physical, and you don’t want to get physical immediately but don’t know how to navigate that? Be clear and have a sense of what the fear is, and start to problem-solve backwards.

Tip 4: Make Room for Discomfort

The next step is to make room for all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that might show up. Dating can be stressful. It might not be the most exciting process for some people. Some people enjoy it, and that’s great too, but if you don’t fall in that category, that’s fine! However, it’s important to make room for any uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that might show up in the process. Expecting a little bit and knowing yourself and what it is about this process that feels uncomfortable.

Starting to acknowledge that it’s okay if you feel nervous or anxious or if you have thoughts that things are going to go wrong, that’s okay! The key part is that to get more comfortable with dating or continue it despite the anxiety, you need to make room for the discomfort. Imagine the discomfort you’ll be taking with you throughout the dating process, but you’re not going to allow it to control what you do. However, you have to acknowledge that it’s there!

Tip 5 : Notice When Your Anxious Mind is Acting Up

he next tip is acknowledging that your mind’s going to give you all types of scenarios because anxiety is based on this concern about what could happen and this future worry. That gets uncomfortable, so what’s important is acknowledging and noticing what your mind is doing and not getting too carried away by it. Acknowledging those thoughts but not necessarily getting stuck in the back and forth or the worst-case scenario.

It’s helpful to remind yourself if you’re in the dating pool, you’ve survived up to this point. Meaning you might have more inner strengths and resources than your mind gives you credit for. I’m sure you might have had some bad experiences before and you were able to move through them.

Granted I know this can still be scary especially if you haven’t dated in years because you’ve been coming out of a long-term relationship or this is the first time you’re getting out there. But instead of getting so stuck on what your mind is saying, lean into your experience that you’ve been okay one way or another.

Even if you face some difficult barriers or have some difficult dates or experiences during this process, you’re going to be okay, and you’re going to figure out how to be okay. It’s also okay that you will have moments when you’re not fine, and that will be part of the process for you.

Tip 6: Don’t Give Up When You Hit Roadblocks

Don’t give up after the first barrier. Obviously, if you’re anxious and nervous about this dating process, that’s normal. There might be instances where it doesn’t work out exactly how you expect it. You go on a bad date, get ghosted, or maybe you go on a couple of dates, and you think you’re really into that person, and then that person says they’re seeing someone else. There can be endless possibilities, which I’m sure your anxious mind has come up with.

Either way, acknowledge that if you come up with one or two roadblocks, don’t just give up. Don’t just say, “See, I knew it! My anxiety was right I shouldn’t have done this,” and completely give up on the process.

Now, if you need time and a break between these difficult instances, that’s fine. But I’m saying don’t give up on the entire process because that’s not fair to you. Instead of becoming so focused on the outcome and making that the reason you’re dating, work on getting more comfortable in these experiences.

I know that’s part of dating, to make a connection or a relationship, but coming back to the whole process. Regardless of the outcome, it’s more about you continuing to do something important to you. It takes work in any other area of your life, career, health, or being a parent. You don’t just give up when there’s a barrier or more than one barrier. You keep finding ways to problem-solve and keep showing up in that area of your life!

Tip 7: Have Other Avenues of Connection

If you’re dating, there must be a reason why. You’re probably seeking some connection or a romantic relationship but acknowledge that dating and romantic relationships aren’t the only form to get connection. Lean heavily on having other avenues of support, whether friendships, families, friends, or different groups such as church, book club, or running group. Of course, you can still pursue these avenues of connection through dating, but you don’t have only to have that be the focus of connection or where you get all your connection from.

If you don’t explore other avenues of connection, it can impact your dating because you might be more anxious or desperate. The desperation shows up in the way you’re engaging. Whereas if you acknowledge that you want this, that it’s important, and that you also have other avenues of support. You might not get so stuck, you might not settle, or you might not let anxiety call the shots.

Next Steps

Commit to going on the date, regardless of the anxiety, because it’s important to you. You’re not going to let anxiety call the shots.

Check out these resources to help you overcome your the anxious dating pattern:

And as always, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul.