Understanding and Embracing The Observing Self
Do you feel like your anxiety is starting to define you? If you tend to over-identify with your anxiety, this blog post is for you. I’m going to introduce a concept that can help you shift your perspective. This concept is known as “The observing self.” If you prefer to watch a video on it, check it out below.
Table of Contents
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Definition of The Observing Self
The observing self refers to a part of you that has always been present, stable, and consistent. This part simply observes and notices all the different experiences you have without judgment. When you experience anxiety, there’s a part of you that makes room for all the thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and memories associated with it. This consistent part of you can just notice and make space for these experiences without being harmed by them.
Imagine a house with many different rooms and items, from furniture to decorations. The house itself—the walls, the floor, the roof—simply holds space for everything inside. It doesn’t judge the contents or care about the colors of the walls. Similarly, the observing self holds space for all your internal experiences without judging them as good or bad. It remains unharmed by these experiences, just as the house remains stable even if it gets scuffed.
This concept might seem abstract, but stay with me. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we refer to this concept as the Self-as-Context versus Self-as-Content. Although I want to note that other traditions have similar concepts this, particularly in contemplative practices. But from an ACT lens, ultimately, we can get so enmeshed with certain labels and self-identities that keeps us stuck (Self-as-Content). Whereas a Self-as-Context perspective is that there’s a you that doesn’t get so boggled down by all these labels and can flexible shift when the situation calls for it.
To better understand this, consider two moments in your day. In the morning, you might wake up and experience a range of fleeting thoughts and sensations.
Later in the day, you experience a different set of reactions.
Throughout these moments, the observing self remains like a white background, holding room for everything. Even though your internal experiences come and go, this part of you remains stable and consistent.
This perspective shift helps us see that anxious thoughts and sensations are just experiences we observe. They’re not inherently good or bad. The observing self doesn’t get caught up in these experiences or in self-identities, whether we consider them positive or negative. For instance, if you identify strongly as “the best mother” but can’t acknowledge your mistakes, that positive identity becomes unhelpful. Similarly, if you see yourself as “an anxious person” and get caught up in that negative identity, it can be limiting.
Another part of this concept is that there’s a part of you we say is there behind your eyes. It’s the same you when you think about yourself experiencing your favorite childhood memory or the same you that will be there at your 50th birthday party.
Exercise One for The Observing Self
To illustrate this concept, let’s do a quick exercise.
- Grab a sticky note and a pen.
- Write down something you struggle with. I’m going to pick a struggle that I have to help you understand how to do this exercise. Let’s say I have anxiety about appearing incompetent.
- I’m going to write that on a sticky and stick this note on myself. You would do the same with whatever struggle comes to mind for you.
- Now, write down the thoughts associated with this struggle. For me, it would “I’m going to look stupid” or “I’m not smart enough.” And I stick that on myself.
- The next step would be to write down the feelings that show up when I struggle with this. For me, it’s feels of nervousness, sadness, and shame. I’m going to stick those on myself.
- Write down any other internal experiences that show with this initial painful struggle on a sticky note. For me, it would be more thoughts like “I can’t believe I still struggle with this” and “I should have moved past this already.” I would stick those to myself.
- Once you’re done, pause and reflect. If we were both looking at each other and all these stickies we have on us, would these labels describe us 100% of the time? Do these stickies give you the sense of knowing me if I were standing in front of you with these labels? Or vice-versa, would I know you? Would we truly be able to see each other just by looking at these sticky notes?
Likely not. These labels are just experiences that show up occasionally and don’t paint the entire picture or give you a could sense of who I or you are. They are just fleeting experiences.
Exercise Two for The Observing Self
Another quick way to better grasp this concept is by trying to routinely be aware of this other part of yourself. You can do that by going through the following exercise: Who’s Doing the Noticing?
- Notice what you can see
- There are the things you see, and then there’s a part of you noticing these things.
- Notice what you can hear.
- There are the sounds, and then there’s a part of you noticing the sounds.
- Notice your physical contact with your surroundings.
- There are those physical sensations, and then there’s a part of you noticing them.
- Notice what you might be able to smell or taste.
- There are those sensations of scent and taste, and then there’s a part of you noticing them.
- Notice what you’re thinking right now.
- There are your thoughts, and then there’s a part of you noticing your thoughts.
- Notice what you’re feeling right now.
- There are your feelings, and then there’s a part of you noticing your feelings.
- So there’s a ‘you’ in there that’s aware of everything you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, think, feel, and do.
- This ‘you’ that notices these things – is it ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – or is it just there?
Next Steps
I hope this concept of the observing self starts to make sense to you. It can feel abstract and confusing at first, but give it time. For some more resources, check out the following:
- This blog on a book recommendation: Book Therapy: The Anatomy of Anxiety.
- Start to practice some mindfulness: Mindfulness Exercise: Brief Guided Meditation.
- Subscribe to my email newsletter below to get more exercises, tips or book recommendations to cultivate more calmness and confidence in your life.
And, like I always say, I hope you continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul!