Hey All! My name is Diana Garcia, and I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Florida, owner of a Private Practice called Nurturing Minds Counseling.
What do you mean to be too nice? How is that even possible? Yes, you can be too nice; either watch the video or scroll down to read the blog in the 5 signs that will help you answer the question “Am I too nice?”
Watch the Video on “5 Signs that You’re Being Too Nice”:
Read the Blog on “5 Signs that You’re Being Too Nice”:
Before I jump into the 5 signs, I want first to acknowledge that, in general, being nice isn’t a bad thing off the bat, and it can fall in line with your values in many different areas. For instance, maybe it’s crucial for you to be kind to the barista at that small coffee shop or to be kind to the customer service rep when you call Comcast for the millionth time. I’m referring to a broader pattern of being too nice grounded in common characteristics that I find with individuals who identify as people-pleasers. Over time, adhering to these patterns ends up costing them too much.
Sign 1: You’re Being Too Nice: You always say yes no matter what.
Your default mode is yes when someone asks you for something or makes a request. Whether it’s at work, a friend, or a family member. Your automatic response is yes, even when:
- You don’t want to do the request
- You just don’t have the time or energy
- You don’t have the external resources to take it on
- You would have to seriously sacrifice your own needs in the process
At the core, you end up saying yes without even pausing because the act of saying no feels like it takes supernatural strength. So it’s not really about being nice or because you genuinely want to/can fulfill this request; it’s more about avoiding saying no. And if you’re not sure, consider when was the last time you said no to someone or when you took something on that you weren’t that excited for?
Sometimes, you might struggle to say no with only certain people in your life, like specific family members, but you’re a pro at saying no thanks when it comes to your work peers. This might have more to do with that relationship that triggers some people-pleasing tendencies. This could warrant further looking at that relationship and considering what gets in the way of saying no.
Sign 2: You’re Being Too Nice: You avoid any type of conflict.
This takes it a step further from saying yes; this is about doing everything in your power to avoid conflict. This can also look like staying quiet when you disagree with someone, always compromising to prevent rocking the boat, or not speaking up when you feel hurt or dissatisfied. This can happen at work, with romantic partners, or it can even occur with individuals that you have fleeting social interactions such as a book store or yoga studio. You keep ignoring that the receptionist at the yoga studio keeps charging the wrong credit card despite you telling her once. You just go home and deal with it because you don’t want to have that conversation.
You avoid conflict because you don’t want to deal with the associated discomfort and might even believe that you can’t handle it. The irony is that your effort to avoid conflict can create more conflict over time. Especially in your significant relationships or with ongoing social relationships like with coworkers, the more you sweep things under the rug, the more it can lead to eventually all of it coming out. You can only stuff the box so much before it starts to overflow, and before you know it, the conversation about your partner not taking out the trash has led to a discussion about everything you haven’t been expressing.
Sign 3: You’re Being Too Nice: You don’t ask for help.
A common misconception that I see with individuals who struggle with people-pleasing is that they don’t want to burden or bother, so they’ll do everything themselves. If this is a rare occurrence, then it’s not a big deal, but if this is a consistent pattern, it might not be working for you over time. In essence, you’re so concerned about other people’s feelings but at the expense of your own feelings. You end up exhausted and burned out because you feel uncomfortable asking for help.
It might not be related to being “too nice” per se; it could be related to other thoughts and feelings. There could be some perfectionistic tendencies too and that you feel that you are the only one that can do best. Or maybe it’s related to feeling that asking for help is associated with weakness? Yet this can be a sign grouped with other characteristics that indicate an overall pattern that could be backfiring.
Sign 4: You’re Being Too Nice: You feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
This might be hard to believe, but you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings.
Clearly, how you engage with others can impact others and vice-versa. And at the end of the day, each person is responsible for how they react to any situation. Each person is responsible for coping with any feelings, interpreting a situation, and ultimately what they do behaviorally with this information (what they do with their hands and feet). Just like you are responsible for your own feelings and how you show up to the world.
You don’t have to take on that load of feeling responsible for others’ experiences. It can sometimes be tempting to feel accountable for our close loved ones’ internal experiences, leading you to engage in an inauthentic way to protect their feelings. And of course, there can be situations where that is warranted, but the theme here is an overreaching pattern that consistently puts your needs/feelings last.
Sign 5: You’re Being Too Nice: You are constantly saying, “I’m sorry.”
If you find yourself consistently apologizing for anything and everything, this could be a clear sign that you’re being too nice. It goes beyond just being polite; it’s more of a sense that you feel you’re constantly dropping the ball, tend to be hard on yourself, don’t feel as good about yourself, or have high expectations for yourself. You might also value others’ feelings over your own, so you constantly feel like you have to be apologetic. You might automatically feel responsible when things go wrong, even when you clearly had no fault. Whether you find yourself saying I’m sorry with personal relationships, at work, or across the board, it could be something to evaluate. You might want to get curious about what causes you to say sorry all the time.
I hope these signs were helpful and encourage you to consider whether engaging in any or all of these patterns is working for you. Sign up for my email newsletter for tools and recommendations to help you grow and thrive. As always, I encourage you to continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul!