Sex Talks Summary

The book is broken down into three parts.

Part One: All About You – This section provides basic psycho-education on sex, debunking common myths and focusing on understanding oneself better, including body, turn-ons, and turn-offs. Before you get into the five Sex Talks, you are guided through creating your own user manual by understanding yourself better, your body, your turn-ons and offs. It’s a great way to begin to understand what works for you regarding sexual intimacy, whether you’re single or in a relationship. 

Part Two: The Five Sex Talks – This is the meat and potatoes of the book where you start to dive into each conversation. It’s acknowledgment, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration. Each chapter provides valuable information, guidance on having conversations, navigating common pitfalls, and taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.

Part Three: Keeping the Twin Flames Alive – This section wraps up the book, addressing potential issues, setting expectations, and offering practical tips to prioritize your sex life. It underscores the importance of maintaining emotional connection for a thriving relationship and emphasizes that working on your relationship is a lifelong endeavor.

Insight 1 – Sex Drive Types

Insight number one is identifying your sex drive and realizing that there are two types: mental desire and physical arousal. The book explains how people sometimes confuse the two without realizing that they are distinct.

Spontaneous Type – This is when you feel mental desire first and then physical arousal. If you are more spontaneous, you’re more likely to think about sex, have thoughts about it, or want to initiate sex. In a relationship, being more spontaneous might mean you’re the one initiating sex more often. It’s important to note that having a higher or lower sex drive does not necessarily mean one partner wants sex more than the other; it could simply be that each partner has a different sex drive.

Responsive Type – Many people are unaware of this type. With a responsive sex drive, you need to be physically aroused first, and then the mental desire comes second. You probably won’t get turned on or interested in sex until you’re already physically in that space. People with a responsive sex drive are less likely to think about sex and may feel they could go without it. They are also less likely to initiate sex.

If you and your partner have different types, then that’s okay, but it’s helpful to be aware of these dynamics rather than just believing that one of you has a higher sex drive. This is where conflict can show up, and the way you’re both approaching things might be different if you both realize each has a different drive, which means you need different things to be turned on. 

Insight 2 – Physical-Emotional Conundrum

Insight number two is the physical-emotional conundrum, which is an insight that I picked out from the second conversation about connection. There are so many insights from the book but this is such a common struggle that I wanted to make sure to cover it.

A lot of times we talk about keeping the spark alive in our relationships, so what does that even mean or look like? Vanessa and Xander break it down into two distinct twin flames: the emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. The reality is that you need both to survive in a long-term relationship. Your relationship isn’t going to be fully nurturing or fulfilling if you only have one, and the reality is one is typically a prerequisite for the other.

However, for two types of people it’s different. One group of people need emotional connection first in order to want or to be in the space to have physical intimacy or sexual connection. The inverse can be true as well. Usually there’s another group of people who need sexual connection first to feel emotionally connected. They feel emotionally connected by having sexual physical intimacy, and a lot of times what will happen is that one type of person will be in a relationship with the other type of person and this could cause issues. This is because, if you’re the type of person that you need emotional connection, and you and your partner aren’t vibing, you could have an issue with a sex conversation.

Let’s say you guys are having disagreements or having fights, and then your partner tries to approach you to have sex, you could be put off because you need that emotional connection and intimacy to want to have the physical intimacy. However, for the other partner, they don’t understand. They believe this is what is going to help feel connected. We’re not vibing but this is what’s going to help us come closer together and feel like we’re on the same page. There is a disconnect here.

Understanding if this dynamic is playing out in your relationship, especially if your partner is one or the other, one obviously has to come before the other. She also takes a very controversial position where she states that it’s more important to focus on the emotional intimacy first. That doesn’t mean letting go of the physical. If you’re in that group of people that need the sexual first to feel connected, try to focus on that emotional connection first instead for your relationship. Acknowledge that at times there’s going to be an ebb and flow to this dynamic.

Insight 3 – Pleasure

Insight number three is breaking down some facts about pleasure. There are two facets of pleasure.

The first is pleasure, which can be physical, mental, emotional, situational, energetic, relational, or spiritual. It’s a complex concept, as all these factors can play a role in pleasure. For example, you might not be mentally into it, the environment might not be right, or you might not feel emotionally or spiritually connected. Conversely, when everything feels right, pleasure increases. There are many conditions, stimulations, or pleasures that play into this, and these may not always work.

This is why ongoing conversations about what elicits pleasure are necessary. It can’t be a one-time conversation. Giving feedback once doesn’t mean it’s done, and vice versa. Your partner might think they’re doing what you told them, and wonder why it’s not working anymore. Understanding the complexity and having ongoing conversations about it is crucial.

Another part is understanding. The book maps out where in your body you like to be touched, the types of pressure you prefer, and what type of pleasure you experience from sex. Some people seek emotional closeness and connection, while others seek stress relief. It’s important to identify with these different types of pleasure.

This made me think of the Friends episode where Monica and Rachel explain different places in the body to Chandler. Understanding the touch map and sharing it with your partner is important.

Conversations need to happen, and both parties need to be comfortable giving and receiving feedback. The book also discusses how to give feedback the right way and how to take responsibility for how you approach and receive it.

These were the three insights I picked from the book, but there’s so much good information here, which is why I’m recommending it. Perhaps there’s something in it that interests you and makes you want to pick up the book.