Sex Talks Summary

The book is broken down into three parts.

Part One: All About You – This is where they start off with some basic psycho-education on sex busting common myths about sex and sex lives. This is what we think based on common messages that are perpetuated that don’t work or aren’t true. What’s cool is that in the first part they also start to talk about focusing more on you than the relationship. Before you get into sex talks, by understanding yourself better, your body, your turn-ons, and turn-offs, you create your own user manual. I thought that was cool because this is where you individually or, if you’re reading this with your partner, you begin to understand what works what doesn’t work for sexual intimacy for you. Then, of course, you and your partner can start to have these conversations. 

Part Two: The Five Sex Talks – This is the meat and potatoes of the book where you start to dive into each conversation. It’s acknowledgment, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration. In each chapter there’s also so much information and psycho-education that I think you need to know. I didn’t know some of this, so I think it’s helpful that you read it even if you’re not ready to have the conversations. There’s so much good data in it and, of course, she guides you through some of the conversations, how you can have them, pitfalls, how you can navigate them, and owning your side of the street. This part is what you can do to help ensure these conversations go well.

Part Three: Keeping the Twin Flames Alive – This is more of a wrap-up, but going into troubleshooting what could go wrong, what to expect, and some concrete tips to how you can make your sex life a priority. Making your sex life a priority is important, but also your relationship and your connection because all these conversations are ongoing conversations that you need to be having. Your relationship and your connection are something that you need to prioritize and focus on throughout the life of your relationship if you want your relationship and connection to last.Se=

Insight 1- Sex Drive Types

Insight number one is identifying your sex drive, and realizing that there are two. The two types of ways that people get turned is mental desire and physical arousal. The book mentions how people confused the two, and they don’t realize that they’re distinct. You can be physically aroused. Your body could be having a reaction, but there’s no desire. Your mind is not in it or vice versa. You can be thinking about it, but your body’s not cooperating. Your body is not having the physical responses of arousal. She then talks about the two distinct Sex Types based on the research.

Spontaneous Type – This is when you feel mental desire first and then physical arousal. This is when you’re more likely to think about sex, have thoughts about it, it randomly pops up, or you want to initiate sex. Typically, in a relationship if you are more spontaneous, you’re the partner that is the one that’s initiating sex or usually the partner that one of you would identify has a higher sex drive or libido. We want to bust this a little bit of that myth that it’s having a higher or lower libido, but it’s probably a different sex drive.

Responsive Type – This is usually the one that a lot of people are unaware of. You need to be physically aroused first, and then the mental desire comes second. You probably aren’t going to get turned on or get into it until you’re physically in that space. There are also different elements, turn-ons, and turn offs that can help you. However, a lot of times in this responsive sex drive these are people that typically would say I never think about sex and I could go without sex. They are not usually the one that initiates it in our relationship. My partner is the one that says I’m the one with the issue or problem, and I feel guilty. It’s acknowledging the difference between the two and, a lot of times, if you and your partner have different types then it can be difficult. This is where their conflict can show up, so I want to highlight that. I think it’s important to know that and to bust some common misconceptions. If this is the first time that you’re learning about two distinct sex drives, let me know

Insight 2 – Physical-Emotional Conundrum

Insight number two is the physical-emotional conundrum, which is an insight that I picked out from the second conversation about connection. There are so many insights that it was hard to nail down one, but I want to talk a little bit about this because I think it’s important and applicable. Even if you don’t pick up the book, it’s helpful information for you to have.

A lot of times we talk about keeping the spark alive in our relationships, so what does that even mean or look like? Vanessa and Xander break it down into two distinct twin flames: the emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. The reality is that you need both to survive in a long-term relationship. Your relationship isn’t going to be fully nurturing or fulfilling if you only have one, and the reality is one is typically a prerequisite for the other. However, for two types of people it’s different. It’s the inverse, so one group of people need emotional connection first in order to want or to be in the space to have physical intimacy or sexual connection. The vice versa can be true as well. Usually there’s another group of people who need sexual connection first to feel emotionally connected. They feel emotionally connected having sexual physical intimacy, and a lot of times what will happen is that one type of person will be in a relationship with the other type of person and this could cause issues. This is because, if you’re the type of person that you need emotional connection, and you and your partner aren’t vibing, you could have an issue with a sex conversation.

Let’s say you guys are having disagreements or having fights, and then your partner tries to approach you to have sex, you could be put off because you need that emotional connection and intimacy to want to have the physical intimacy. However, for the other partner, they’re don’t understand. They believe this is what it’s going to help us to feel connected. We’re not vibing but this is what’s going to help us come closer together and feel like we’re on the same page. So, you can see how there could be issues because if you seek emotion connection and you think your partner wants sex because that’s how they seek emotional connection and closeness there is a disconnect. Understanding if this Dynamic is playing out in your relationship, especially if your partner is one or the other, one obviously has to come before the other. She also takes a very controversial position where she states that it’s more important to focus on the emotional intimacy first. That doesn’t mean letting go of the physical. If you’re in that group of people that need the sexual first to feel connected, try to focus on that emotional connection first instead for your relationship. Acknowledge that at times there’s going to be an ebb and flow to this dynamic.

Insight 3 – Pleasure

Insight number three is breaking down some facts about pleasure. There are two facets of pleasure.

The first is pleasure, which can not only be physical, but it could be mental, emotional, situational, energetic, relational, or spiritual. Keep in mind that it’s a little bit of a complex process or concept. To explain, she talks about pleasure and acknowledging that all of those factors can play a role in pleasure. Maybe there’s a time when you’re not mentally into it or the environment isn’t up to par. For example, the lights are too harsh or there’s a time when you emotionally or spiritually are not feeling connected. In contrast, something feels on and that’s going to increase pleasure! Acknowledging that they can all be playing a role. There are many conditions, stimulations, or pleasures that play into this and these may not always work.

This is why there must be ongoing conversations about what elicits pleasure. It cannot be a one and done conversation. She talks about a lot of people think that once you give feedback that’s it and vice versa. Your partner might think that they are doing the things that you told them to do and question why this not working for you anymore.  You understand that there’s so many different factors, and it’s a complex process where ongoing conversations need to be part of that.

Another part is understanding. They also map this out in the book. I thought that was cool how she has a map of where in your body you like to be touched, the types of pressure, where you like to be. Also, understanding what type of pleasure you’re experiencing from sex. For some people, it might be more about feeling emotionally close and connected. For other people, it’s more seeking that stress relief. She has different types that you can identify with. 

For some reason, this made me think of that episode in Friends where Monica and Rachel explain to Chandler different places in the body. You can see Monica breaking it down and explaining it, and that’s what made me think the touch map. Understand the touch map and share that with your partner.

There are also conversations that need to be happening. Both parties need to be comfortable with giving and receiving feedback about this, and she goes through how to do feedback the correct way. Individually taking responsibility in both how you approach it, and also how you receive it. 

Those were the three insights that I picked from the book but, like I said, there was so much good information here which is why I’m recommending it. Maybe there’s something that you are interested in to make you pick up the book.

If you enjoyed this content, I encourage you to subscribe to my email newsletter to get the latest tips to improve your mental health, more book recommendations, and other resources on your self-growth journey. Don’t forget to scroll down and enter to win a free copy of the book! And as always, I hope you continue nurturing your mind, body, and soul, whatever that looks like for you.