Book Therapy: The Art Of Communicating

Are you looking for a book that goes through some tips on the art of communication? Look no further than this month’s Book Therapy Pick: The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh was a well-known Buddhist monk that focused on spreading mindfulness practices and peace work. He created the International Plum Village Community that hosts mindfulness retreats.

Watch the video: Book Therapy: The Art of Communicating

Read the blog on The Art of Communicating

Like I said this month’s Book Therapy Pick is a great resource for improving your communication. This month’s pick is The Art of Communicating by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Han.

The Art of Communicating Summary

This book has nine chapters, it’s a pretty short book though. It’s a quick and easy read. I appreciated that throughout the book, he gives you concrete tools when discussing these mindfulness concepts. I loved that in the last chapter, he gives practices for compassionate communication. He utilized stories, metaphors, and exercises to reinforce the concepts of communication that he’s explaining.

The book isn’t broken down into different parts, but the chapters are dedicated to various topics. One chapter is about work, one is learning to communicate with yourself, and then there are the Six Mantras of Loving Speech. He encompasses exploring communication in various areas of your life.

Insight 1 from The Art of Communicating

The first chapter discusses that you must first communicate with yourself to become a better communicator.

I thought that’s a crucial and essential point. I appreciated that he points out that you must have a stable relationship with yourself to better recognize how you communicate with others. He mentions the phrase coming home, which is being back in your body in this moment and understanding that you’re okay. There’s no fear in this moment; you’re alive and not alone. You can tap into these feelings of stability and safety by developing a stable relationship with yourself.

Since he’s a Buddhist monk, he advocates using mindfulness practices to help practice that. These are some breath-oriented meditations sitting with yourself, or walking meditations to help you incorporate these practices into your life. He discusses noticing what gets in the way of your communicating with someone else by way of mindfulness.

Consider what thoughts and feelings serve as barriers to effective communication with others. Noticing when an interaction with someone did not go well, getting curious in the moment about the role of your thoughts. What’s the story you’re making up about yourself, the other person, or this interaction? And noticing what feelings started to show up that could have influenced the way you engaged, notably if you acted in a way that you didn’t want to.

Being able to identify the impact of all these internal experiences and deciding to change starts with you. You must be able to acknowledge your role and slowly work towards shifting. So this first insight of learning to cultivate a relationship with yourself and understand yourself better can lead to a loving relationship with others.

Insight 2 from The Art of Communicating

Thich Nhat Hanh lists the two keys as deep listening and loving speech. These two are not a huge surprise, but I like the specifics he walks through with each one.

When I think of deep listening, I think of active listening. You want to understand what this person’s trying to say to you and what the feelings are that they’re trying to convey to you. What’s the message that they want you to understand? He elaborates on this deep listening as listening with the intent to help each other without judgment. He encourages using the mantra “I’m listening to this person with only one purpose: to give this person a chance to suffer less.”

I found this especially useful, considering that most of the time, we don’t do a good job of engaging in deep listening. Often, we half listen, focusing more on waiting until it’s our turn to dispute, debate, or get our piece across while not trying to listen to understand.

Deep listening is a massive shift in how you approach communication in any conversation if you approach it from that lens. I know that can be difficult, especially if you’re listening to a partner or loved one express something about yourself. It’s hard not to get defensive or to let your ego get hurt. The other question he encourages you to ask when you’re the listener is: ‘Do I understand you enough?”

The second part is loving speech. When you’re the speaker, be mindful as you’re speaking to someone and skillful as you take the role of the speaker. When conversing with someone, it can be tempting to go on autopilot and forget to be thoughtful or planned. Especially in a meaningful conversation when feelings are activated or certain things being said can skew the speaker from being skillful or mindful.

As part of the loving speech, Thich Nhat Hanh has 4 elements of Right Speech.

Tell the truth. Don’t lie or turn the truth upside down – Although being honest is important, being honest with some tact is just as important. Being skillful when delivering a message, even if you know it’s a message that might be hard for the other person to hear, matters on delivery. It’s not what you said but how you said it. Also, lying isn’t helping anyone, but again, it’s how you say it. You don’t need to hurt someone and then say, “well, I was just telling the truth,” because the intention is off there.
Don’t exaggerate – If a partner makes a mistake, be mindful and not make it into this end-all-be-all. You want to be aware of what you’re expressing and how you’re expressing it. You also want to be mindful that what and how you’re describing also fits the situation, and you’re not blowing it out of proportion.
Be consistent. This means no double-talk – He uses an example in Vietnamese of a forked tongue, which means not talking about someone behind their back. If you’re having a conversation with someone, don’t then go talk to someone else and say something completely different or talk badly about that person. Do not double-talk because that will hurt the communication and the relationship.
Using peaceful language. Don’t use insulting or violent words, cruel speech, verbal abuse, or condemnation – Lastly, use peaceful language. I think this is important because we tend to be kinder to strangers or people we work with than we are to people we love or care about, like our family members, partners, and even sometimes our friends. We may be friendlier to random strangers, and we have more courtesy when it comes to these individuals than the people close to us. We want to embody using peaceful language, being respectful, courteous, and avoiding the inverse.

Insight 3 from The Art of Communicating

This last insight From The Art of Communicating is related to reviewing The Six Mantras of Loving Speech. Essentially, these are six sentences that embody loving speech.

I am here for you – With this mantra, he talks about how others in our lives need to know that we’re there for them. The gift of presence and support is so meaningful that sometimes we think the other person knows, so we don’t even have to say it. He talks about being conscious and telling others that you are here for them.

He also states that you can use this sentence or mantra for yourself. This goes back to having this relationship with yourself. You can tap into compassion for yourself. Use self-compassion and remind yourself that I am here for you and that you can provide for your needs.

I know you are there, and I am very happy – This phrase shows appreciation, especially in relationships. You are acknowledging when you’re with someone that you know they’re there, and you’re so glad and appreciative that they’re there. You can acknowledge it if they’ve done something huge or just in the day that you know the small things that your partner does that are important. I know I’m using a partner as an example, but any person in your life with whom you have a loving relationship.

Think about how special that makes the other person feel when you tell them that you value them, see them, and are glad they’re there for you. We don’t want to take things for granted or not say something because we think the other person knows. There’s also an element of vulnerability when we say some of these mantras because maybe the other person doesn’t receive it well, or it’s uncomfortable to put yourself outside that emotional risk. However, part of embodying loving speech is the willingness to put yourself out there and that this relationship is worth the chance.

I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you – This is more than I am just here for you, acknowledging when someone in your life you care about is struggling, suffering, or going through a moment of pain or difficulty. You let them know in that moment that you are here for them. You not only let them know, but you follow that up by genuinely trying to be there for them.

Sometimes, if someone we care about is going through something difficult, and we don’t know what to say, it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s easier not to be there and be a little M.I.A. I see this a lot when someone goes through a loss and grief. People in their lives after the initial ceremony or funeral but then stop being there for or checking after that. This could be because it feels uncomfortable or awkward, or they don’t know what to say.

I suffer, please help – This mantra is the inverse of the third, where someone is willing to ask for support and help. I know asking for help is difficult for some people, myself included. There must be a willingness to be vulnerable and say when you’re having a hard time. It would help if you asked for support, and hopefully, this other person will be available for you. This is not having to deal with it alone, sulking, and not let your pride or ego get in the way of asking for help.

Even if the person you’re reaching out to is part of why you’re having a hard time. You can still reach out and say, “Please help. I’m suffering.” This embodies the sense of trying to figure out what happened. He gives an example from the Plum Village Community of incorporating this mantra. If someone goes through a disagreement with someone else, the individual who feels slighted or hurt has 24 hours to suffer, sulk, or process their feelings. When the 24 hours are up, they must embody the fourth mantra by going to this person and addressing it. I thought it was a great idea to get some time to process your thoughts and feelings, and then you must resolve the issue.

This is a happy moment – Mentioning that when you’re with someone or a group of people, and you’re noticing a feeling of connection, joy, happiness, or gratefulness, be mindful and soak that in. This also lets the people around you know this is a happy moment. Again, it doesn’t have to be these monumental moments. It can be as small as in the morning when you sit and enjoy your coffee together. This is a happy moment, and you want to be able to share that with someone else.

This also reminds me of this other book therapy post I did on a book called Hardwiring Happiness, in which Dr. Rick Hanson discusses soaking in moments. This is appreciating and almost having a mental image of that, and in times of distress, you can turn to that. We want to enjoy these moments when things are going well.

You are partly right – If someone criticizes you or praises you, you can respond with you are partly right. I appreciated that this could go either way: when someone criticizes you, you can say you are partly right. This shows you’re open to feedback and hearing, so you’re being the listener and hearing what the person you’re talking to you has to say. He also follows you are partly right, and I have other strengths. This additional piece also reminds you and the person you’re engaging with that you are not only this criticism but also steering away from these rigid perspectives. This may sometimes feel hard because if someone’s giving you feedback and you feel shameful, or it’s hard for you to sit with, acknowledging you are partly right. This is the first part.

The second part is humility and that if someone is praising you, saying you are partly right. This person’s giving you positive feedback, and they are correct that there are traits where you falter that make you human and flawed. That’s okay! Embracing this humility piece with saying that you are partly right. Sometimes it’s hard when we’ve done something wrong or take accountability, acknowledging that you are partly right and having an openness to being able to listen.

I hope this book is helpful to you. It’s a quick, easy read, but filled with so many tools in there that are helpful. Even if it’s just a mindset shift of how you approach communicating with others and acknowledging that communication is a skill that takes work. The art of communication is crucial in our most important relationships. I get couples all the time struggling with communicating, and we were often never taught the skills of communicating. It’s something that we must learn, and we must also learn how to regulate our emotions when they get in the way.

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